I don't really know where to put this...apologies if it's in the wrong place.

I haven't been here for a while because I thought that I had got better - after going to hell and back, suffering from depression, social anxiety, health anxiety, some OCD symptoms, an eating disorder, and severe self injury from the age of about 12 I thought that I'd got my life back on track.

I wasn't completely 'normal'...but the few coping mechanisms that I was left with (slight OCD, and avoidance of social situations) I thought that I could live with. I stopped my medication (citalopram and risperidone) for the first time in 2 years and that seemed fine.

But...I am feeling so low. Why can't I be like other 20 year old girls? I went to a friend's 21st on Friday, and completely freaked despite the fact that I was with the friend who got me though the past year, and got home and had to stop myself reaching for the first sharp thing I could find. The only reason that I got through my last term at uni without slicing my arms up again is because I didn't have anything sharp in my room, and had too much anxiety to go to a shop.

I feel so isolated for so much of the time, and when the few friends that I have break engagements etc (for very good reasons, and not often) then I completely freak.

I'm considering going to the doctors again in the morning, and getting put back on medication, but I have a real problem accepting that at 20 years old, I have to be on medication permanently to function even vaguely normally.

Sorry for the moan