Hi,

I’m reaching out for some support as I very much lack this in reality.

I’ve led a complexed life since being born, my mum was severely emotionally abusive, my dad abandoned me and my maternal and paternal family didn’t protect me and as an adult I now know I was brought up in a very toxic environment.

I have since re-connected with my dad but he is a horribly selfish man who isn’t really there for me. The other month I had an uninvited phone call off him on my daughters birthday dumping all his baggage onto me about his current relationship, he was very angry and I did not like the way he spoke me so I gave him a wide berth for a while he now ignores me. I am estranged from my mum who has turned my siblings against me and have received in the past horrific verbal abuse from them all with most of what they are calling me to be untrue. My extended maternal family have sometimes offered support but this was very inconsistent and is now non-existent as they also maintain a relationship with my mum.
I have a strained relationship with my eldest daughter as she has stolen money from us and as much as I try and support her it feels like she can’t get her life in order and I struggle to carry on supporting her. I am currently left paying for a university house that she has now left and I am tied in until July if this year at over £500 a month. My nanna has had a go at me saying I don’t help my daughter and she only went to university because I forced her which is untrue. Yet she sits back and watches my wider family treat me terrible yet says nothing.
My stepmam supports me when she feels like it and only when I am presenting as ok but not when I really need it, at that point she backs away despite working in the mental health profession. My youngest daughter is having some health and emotional issues at the moment.
My husband who is not my childrens father has told me to not let everything bother me and that he is tired so he’s not available for support either. I have a high stress job and am also finishing a four year studying course and feel on my knees. I feel I have no-one and am feeling lonely, isolated and scared that I don’t want to be here anymore, although I must add I have no intention of harming myself. I feel I have no-one and nowhere to turn, people barely check in on me but get in touch when they want something, my husband doesn’t want me to feel or be impacted by my current circumstances but still wants me to be present for him each day, smile and be affectionate. I really don’t want to go on medication as this will just put a plaster on my issues. I am in therapy and doing everything I can self care wise but nothing is working, as the stones people are throwing from everyone just keep coming. I disengage to protect myself then the loneliness arrives, it’s a vicious circle and a very black hole.
I’m in severe emotional pain and I don’t know how to ease it x