Thank you, Aster and Pulisa. I wish I could say I had made a concrete decision, but I haven't yet. I do plan to in the next couple of days though; my dog has procedures tomorrow and my dad does as well (Xrays and blood tests) so I'll see how those shake out. I will say I am leaning towards not going, as my dad's surgery has been scheduled for the day I would leave and I would like to be here with him for that, and to help my mom as needed, and I also of course don't want to be ill and chance passing it on. I feel like my friends would understand that? Though may be irritated that I'm backing out, especially fairly last minute. I could offer to pay for part of my lodging I guess. Another thing that is bothering me is that if I tell them why I'm backing out, it would make it that much more real, and that makes me sad.

Under different circumstances, I would really love to go and spend time with my friends and have a relaxing time. However, most of my time will be spent traveling and there is a lot of other things that would keep me here...and I guess that's sad too because I wish it was "under different circumstances". The truth is, I do feel a bit isolated - coming out of a pandemic of course I would - and I haven't quite figured out how to "come out" of the pandemic totally. And I just have this really sad feeling that my friends will be upset with me, so will stop engaging with me, and then I'll lose my parents and then I'll just be totally alone. And that's really morbid, I realize. It's just hard not to let that sadness drag me down a bit. I like my friends, but making new friends is really hard for me - I have a lot of acquaintances but as far as actual friends to do things with, that's tricky. Dating is also really hard for me, but that's another thing I need to tackle. It all just feels like a lot.

I did briefly entertain the idea of driving instead of flying - that would at least keep me out of busy airports/planes. I liked this idea because I could stop off in the Smokey Mountains on the way back and maybe stay a day or two and do some hikes; however, that would require additional money for gas and additional lodging (both ways, because it's a long trip and can't be done in just one day) so that makes it more difficult, plus I wouldn't be able to be here in that situation either.

So I was doing a little better, now I'm doing a little worse. I guess that's the nature of the beast. I just feel like so much is out of my control, and what I can control I have bungled.