This all started in 2020 with covid and the washing hands for at least 20 seconds and at work where we were disinfecting everything in the office multiple times a day. I started washing my hands after touching everything in lockdown and I am still doing this 3 years on and can't stop. I must wash my hands at least 40 times a day and also sanitise them many times a day. I go through 3 large bottles of handwash a week, sometimes more. It is so tiring and stressful I didn't really realise for a while but its actually controlling my day to day life. My hands are ruined theyre always so red, sore and itchy and have gone all horrible and wrinkly. I'm in my 30s and they have aged so much.

I no longer fear catching covid it's more a strong feeling of wanting to be clean, I hate the thought of having germs all over me it makes me feel dirty and disgusting. To me outside, public places and work are the most contaminated places. I'm always thinking about germs and trying to avoid touching things, or people, or dogs/animals. Public toilets are the worst, I avoid unless I'm desperate. Also traffic light buttons and door handles, benches, public transport, anything outside. I carry hand gel with me all the time. I have to disinfect my shopping before putting in fridge and cupboards with anti bac wipes, this is always a 2 hour process and gets stressful. I work in an office and the PC is shared so I disinfect the workstation multiple times a day bur never feels clean. We also handle mail and keys at work which causes me more stress. I sanitise my hands about 20 times a day at work, if not more.

I have different zones in my flat with different levels of cleanliness - front entrance is the most dirty and living room most clean. I can't wear outdoor clothes in my flat and I get a shower as soon as I get home, even if I just went out for a few minutes. I clean contact points regularly at home but still get a strong urge to wash hands. I try cutting down by using kitchen paper towels over my hands which helps a little but I still wash a lot and go through rolls of paper towel each week.

People gross me out a lot too and I feel so guilty because I feel like that with my own family sometimes. If I hear them in bathroom and know they havent washed their hands for long enough it makes me want to avoid getting too close. I see them touch things like light switches or handles, things in public and if they try to touch me or hug me I will pull away, or.if they want to use my phone to take a photo I won't let them. Lots of everyday little things like that. I can't stop thinking about it and I hate it but I feel such a strong feeling I have to avoid it. Now I've written this all down it scares me how I've become like this, I just don't know what to do.

Thanks if you've read all of this and sorry for the long post.