I'm so angry with the PDSA

[WiredIncorrectly]

I had an appointment today at 3.15. I've been dreading this appointment, but the boy needs some antibiotics for his ear.

I got there dead on time. I had to catch 2 busses, and one was delayed, but I still managed to get there on time.

I was waiting in the queue to check-in. There was a lady in front of me getting some medications. It took about 10 minutes before I was seen.

When I was seen the lady looked at the time and said "But you're 10 minutes late. We work to schedule. You must be on time". I informed her I was on time, and I've been waiting in line to be seen. I could sense she was annoyed with me.

She started telling me how times are important the vet is on a tight schedule. Understandable, but I wasn't late. I was on time.

The vet refused to see me.

Livid was an understatement. Immediately my anger went from 0 to 100mph. I explained how difficult the journey was, how I don't get on busses and it was a struggle to make this appointment with how I'm feeling. But that got ignored. She repeated "You'll have to rebook an appointment I'm afraid". And I heard her mutter "Get the bus earlier then".

I said forget it, and stormed out.

I'm still angry. I ended up buying a small bottle of vodka. I haven't drank since the 23rd but the stress of today has been horrendous.

I plucked up all my courage to make this appointment today. I got lost at one point. Got on a wrong bus and ended up far. But, I left at 12pm just to make sure I had plenty of time.

I'd have called, but there's 2 problems. I don't have a phone. I threw it up the wall last week. So I couldn't contact them to say I might be late (which I wasn't anyway, I must specify that). Even if I had a phone, it's useless because you can't just call up the center. It's a main answerphone, that redirects you to an email address, or the online pet form.

I don't want to leave the house anymore. Every time I do something bad happens. I plan meticulously. I worry for a week before any appointment. It stresses me out. To then get there, and be turned away for absolutely no justified reason.

Face it, I can't do anything for myself. I can just about live alone and most days I don't eat. My health anxiety is skyrocketing. I'm convinced a lump on inside of my cheek is Cancer. I was convinced my flu/covid was heart failure. I know I'm going down fast. It's crash and burn time.

I can't handle life. Even the simplest things are a huge challenge and always end up in frustration and meltdowns. I thought I was going to kill somebody while I was on route back home. The rage was real. Some kids at the bus stop were winding up the dog. I almost said something, but in the end I walked to the next bus stop to avoid any issues.

I was crossing roads in anger because I didn't want to wait for the cars. Forcing cars to slow down and beep at me. I gave them the finger. And now I look back thinking "Dude, you could have killed yourself and your dog". I'm so irrational at the time, I don't even think about the negatives. It's just "**** you, if you've got a problem jump out your car and we'll solve it".

You're probably thinking I'm a right ****. I absolutely am in those moments. The rest of the time I'm the complete opposite.

So what gives? Why does my head get so irrational and angry over things that it shouldn't? I'm worried.

I told my psychiatrist that I'm scared one day I will do something violent. I feel it in my head. I feel it's not normal. Today I could have easily threw a bin or a chair across the counter. So easily. That's why I stormed out. And I was tempted to get a brick and smash their windows. But I just kept walking away.

Do you know how much of an effort it is to avoid doing something drastic like that?

I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to scare anybody. I don't want to be that dickhead. But for some reason, my head gets like this and I struggle to control it.

More of a rant than anything, but I always appreciate some words of wisdom.

For now, I'm going avoid people altogether. I will have to arrange for my brother to take the dog for the vet. I'll save my benefits and take him private it's easier. I don't want handouts off the system any more than I have to. Already feel like a waste of space bum.

</rant>