Myself and Gail/Funky Chick have decided to experiment by following a programme after my therapist said that I should listen to a relaxation CD three time a day for 33 days. Today is day one and here is my first diary entry:

I'm currently listening to a Paul McKenna relaxation programme on MP3 that came free with a sunday broadsheet a little while ago. I started by listening to it on the short journey into work and whilst fighting through the kids at the school where I work to my office. I appreciate that ideally I should be in a comfortable position with my eyes closed, but there's no way that I could keep that up with my daily routine and, even if I don't get the full effect, I'm sure that I will take quite a bit of it in subconsciously and it will have atleast a mild calming effect.

This morning atleast I didn't pace up and down in my office for atleast half an hour before I started work as I have been doing recently. I didn't feel especially brilliant this morning though. I felt a bit spaced out and by lunch time I actually felt pretty ill. I put that down to tiredness from having been out every night this week, the after effects of feeling very stressed out at the start of the week, frustration that a seemingly task at work was taking me days to resolve and my body rebelling against the thought of letting my guard down.

I listened to the programme for the second time at about 1.30 while I was doing some other work and, although I was pretty tired anyway, it felt as if it almost sent me to sleep!

The third session was at around 7.00 pm and I lay down with my eyes closed and listened to it. For whatever reason, I felt most anxious listening to it at this time and I couldn't really relax and take it in.

Afterwards I went and played football and scored a goal in a 3-2 win! At half-time during the game I did feel quite anxious and overwhelmed thinking about the size of the world all around me, but I got on with the game and I felt kind of ok by the end. I went to the pub and had no problems there either.

By way of background, I've been fairly depressed and anxious all my life although for about the last 4 and a half years I've had severe GAD and depression. Being prescribed Prozac caused me to feel depersonalised and I've never quite regained by sense of self and belonging in the world. Recently, I've felt particularly agoraphobic and I didn't leave the house at all on bank holiday monday because I was worrying so much about an audit at school the following day- it lasted about 5 minutes!! I'm currently seeing a CBT therapist once a week.