Hi,

I really don’t know where to start or what to say, but I really need some help.
I’ve been feeling really terrible and it’s the worse it has been. I can’t control this anymore.

I’m trying to be strong around the family as they don’t believe anything is wrong and just tell me that I brought this on, I should cope with it all, and they won’t help me at all now. I have no idea why they are doing this. So now im believing I HAVE brought it all on and I HAVE made it worse. But I don’t know how. I cant be strong like this anymore no matter what happens, I’m just a failure inside and its beginning to show now on the outside. Typing this I have my dad is saying crap to me about the way I am and its getting to me so I’m now in a really bad state of not knowing and finding this hard to type.

I’ve never felt this scared about anything before, I don’t quite know what I’m fully scared of, just feel scared of talking, being near things, moving, seeing people anywhere.

Anxiety and depression are through the roof yet again and I really can’t cope with this happening now. I’m having soooo many panic attacks and I’m finding them really hard to handle now, what with everything else.

Im now waiting on the CMHT to get in contact about seeing them but not sure how long that will be to see them. Have felt like getting myself admitted and then they have no choice really. As I been close to ending things and having really bad suicidal thoughts again, but I hold it back and just self-harm As I cant cope and all the pain inside is too much to handle I have resulted to self-harming loads and loads again and back to when I start I cant stop and then it gets worse and worse, our of 6 year of doing it the last couple of times have been the worst. Have had to go to the hospital last Saturday about it and i was close to giving up and I was in this morning about it too as I couldn’t stop and the next thought was ending things again. I explain how I feel and nothing helps at all. Im in a cycle and cant get out at all.

Sorry for such a low post but I’m in a mess and I don’t know where else to turn too. Sorry to keep moaning. L

Nikk xxxx