Hi everyone... it's been a long while since I posted here. I'm dealing with so much anxiety right now I don't know what to do with myself.

My family has been planning to go to a wedding - my cousin's, for months now. Everyone in my immediate, and most everyone in my extended family is going. I figured I'd go, right up until today when I had a nervous breakdown. My Father stormed out of the house in a fury, and mom wasn't much happier.

I just can't handle it... everyone there will have something to talk about. Their jobs, college, their lives and girlfriends or spouses or friends or... well, anything. I don't have anything like that to talk about - I haven't even seen my son in years, and I knew the first questions they'd ask, which is why it's fortunate the family almost never tries to get together.

They'd ask me what I was up to with my life, how my son was. I wouldn't really know how to answer other than to tell the truth. Can't find work, can't afford school, up to my neck in medical debt, I live at home with mom and dad and take medication that makes me feel like a zombie most of the time. I'm 24 years old and have absolutely no life and no accomplishments to speak of. I'm both ashamed and embarassed. I can't face that.

I kept picturing in my head, the questions they would ask, and what I would say, and how it would all feel when they gave me their condescending smiles and a halfhearted "things will get better, good luck." Or worse, pity me, or my parents for having a son like me. Better if I don't go.

My father and I argued about it, he yelled at me a bit, and I tried to explain how I felt, but he wasn't interested in listening. He told me my grandmother will be dead soon, 82 years old, and I should see her every chance I get. It's not that I don't want to see her, it's that I can't stand the thought of being crowded by so many people, especially people who know me.

He told me how disappointed he was and left the house, I must have stood watching for a good ten minutes after the car pulled out of the driveway. Now I'm home alone... in my "comfort zone", my bedroom. At first I was furious, I don't even know at what, I kicked a chair, did more damage to my foot than the chair. Yelled at the dogs for no reason, and threw my sunglasses at the wall, broke them.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish my biological, chemical, psychological makeup or whatever was different so I could be like everyone else. Now I'm just severely depressed and still so anxious. There's no one for me to talk to. I have no friends and my family won't be in the mood for speaking with me just now, even on the phone.

Advice... comments, anyone have any thoughts or any suggestions please? I'm going to go beat myself up some more... and I know it's bad for me, but at the moment I deserve it richly.


Dave