Not directly because of emetophobia - but whatever has caused that has also caused many other big issues for me. Sometimes severe depression, panic disorder (daily panic attacks), constant anxiety. I had serious anger/temper problems when I had my son and was always shouting and screaming at him, throwing things (I was on my 3rd set of mugs by the time he was a year old and down to my last plate). I didn't trust myself not to hurt him and even though I had a lot of support, I was still alone with him a lot. It was better for him to go with my mum at that time, but it wasn't intended to be permanent.

I've been judged by many people - family, strangers - for handing him over. They don't need to judge me, I beat myself up about it every day. And no, it isn't as simple as just having him back now because there is a lot more to it than I want to go in to.

I hope I'm not being judged again now, because that still really gets me down no matter how often I tell myself I don't care what people think. One of the biggest causes of my repetitive depressions is ruminating over what people think of me. I've left 5 jobs because I couldn't deal with the 'suspected' low opinions of a colleague...

Now I've gone on and on, revealing stuff that I should really keep to myself. I guess I just have to get it all out to give people a chance to hate me!