Hi
Some of you on here are aware that I recently found out I was pregnant (Christmas Day) and that it hasn't been too easy for me to cope as being pregnant encompasses my worst fears and phobias. Tocophobia (fear of pregnancy/labour), emetophobia (fear of being sick), hospital phobia and needle phobia, as well as general anxiety and panic attacks. So being pregnant is indeed a challenge though I felt I had to face it as being childless isn't really something I want.
Anyway, sorry for the ramble but I know quite a few people on here suffer from tocophobia and alot suffer from emetophobia, some of whom have put of pregnancy because of it despite wanting children. I was talking to Peach, who is tocophobic( hope she doesn't mind me saying) and she thought it would maybe help others if I made a diary on here for people to read.
So at the risk of boring everyone I thought I would start it as I think something like this would have really helped me through the trauma of shall I go for this or shall I not? And then the trying yet not getting pregnant and the relief yet disappointment that this brought.
So here I am 6 weeks pregnant, still absolutely terrified of everything regarding pregnancy but also just about coping. The pa's have increased as has the general anxiety but part of me can't help feeling that at least ONE major anxiety is now behind me.....shall I get pregnant or not???
So with one down and many to go I know this is not going to be easy for me. In fact it is the greatest challenge of my life.....and I've had some big things happen in my life.
I am almost starting to identitfy with the baby as a baby rather than some alien being that has inhabited my body. This is a major step forward for me as I hated what was happening to me when I first found out and also the last time I was pregnant, which ended in miscarriage. I was almost becoming dysmorphic. I was detached from my body from the head down, which must sound mad, but I would stare at it and feel REAL hatred.
It is very hard and I am taking things hour by hour rather than day by day. I am having to tell myself the same things I told myself a year ago when my anx was really bad. Slow down, drop your shoulders, stand up straight, unclench your hands,loosen your jaw etc etc. I am not going to faint, have a heart attack, go mad, lose control, die, I am at the helm here I just have to steer this ship in the right direction. And bit by bit the self talk is working.
Thanks for listening guys, I have only wonderful things to say about the people who have shown me such utter kindness in the last few weeks. Tigger1964, Hellybelly, Heidigraff, Alihud, Samc100, Peach, Cheekyone, Emmas, Angelai, and so many more of you I could go on forever. THANK YOU
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