My name is Sarah and I'm 32, married but no kids yet. I've had quite a promiscuous past which I'm very, very ashamed of and deeply regret, and 18 months ago, following some fertility tests, I was told that I had a 1:200 chance of having had the chlamydia virus. I was given the appropriate antibiotics which I took, and I never gave it another thought.
The fertility tests were otherwise ok, so I assume that no long-term damage was done if I did have the virus.
But.... on Monday, I had my 3-yearly smear test done at my doctors. My last one was in November '05 and was all clear. But for some reason, this time round, my nerves are completely shattered and I have convinced myself that the smear test results will come back "abnormal".
I have been driving myself insane by reading up on cervical cancer and the HPV virus which can cause it, and I've become almost obsessed.
Reading/hearing about poor Jade Goody (who is now terminally ill with cervical cancer at just 27 yrs old) has multiplied my fear.
I seem to walk around in a daze, my mind constantly reeling with the "what if" thoughts. I look at the sky, hear the birds singing, and keep thinking, "what if this is the last time I see/hear these things?"
The worst part for me is that during my past escapades, I was in a long-term relationship and was actually cheating on my partner. We've since split and I am now married to a wonderful man whom I love dearly. But my guilt and sorrow for my mistakes overpowers me, and I've started to believe that I am going to be punished in some way... that surely I can't be allowed to "get away with it" so easily. Then I start wondering if getting cancer will be my punishment. It never ends.
It's been less than a week since my smear test, but I'm so tempted to keep ringing the doctor's surgery to ask if they have the results yet, even though deep down I know it won't be this soon.
What if I have HPV? What if I already have cervical cancer?
I am on the verge of tears 24/7, it's taking over my life and it's certainly not the first time I've been in this position, worrying about other, unrelated test results.
I have seen doctors about my anxiety and depression, I've been prescribed many different medications and seen a psychiatric nurse-come-councelor, but nothing seems to help me.
I'm at my wits end... I don't want to feel like this anymore, I'm sick of the constant fear and worry - I just want to be happy and live my life with hope instead of dread.
I just don't know what to do anymore, and to make matters worse, I now live in the USA and hubby and I can't afford health insurance, so there's no way I can afford the money to see a therapist or doctor about this problem.
Any ideas... anyone?