Hey folks.

I just need to spout off.

Today has been awful, I went to see a counselor last month who said I just need to get my confidence back. I was annoyed at myself for not being able to articulate how I felt and that I made a lot of effort to appear “normal”.

I can go out and not feel any stress or anxiety but I feel numb. If I go to the shops or out for a meal, just numb. I’m also having to consciously think about the order in which I do things when I get up, from shaving to doing my teeth, nothing is coming naturally and its very frustrating.

I had these feelings years ago and they started to go when I stopped hanging round with mates I felt uncomfortable with. I had other mates who I saw but this one group I felt like I belonged to as I had become a part of that group. It annoys me now to think back how many years I wasted feeling uncomfortable and that I didn’t have the strength to break away. It made me doubt my own actions and I became very depressed.

I know I have good mates, a great family, a good reference from my last job, I know I have a lot going for me but I am getting very depressed. At the moment, I can’t connect with anyone, people talk to me and I don’t know what to say, again, numb.

I have been feeling like this since April. I am sure I’ve already mentioned this in my intro a while back, but last October I was fine, really confident and enjoying life and just like before, I am now not trusting myself. I basically put off some important things because I was afraid I would not be able to cope if they went wrong.


Six months of procrastination and then at the end of March, making a decision that I wouldn’t be able to, caused the “switch to flip”, being afraid not really of anything, but of myself. I know that may sound weird but that’s the only way I can describe it.

I know this is irrational but I now doubt (or in my mind right now, know) that I will ever be able to succeed in life.