Tuesday 21st. PM! I got stuck in this morning after writing the above post. Attended to stinky matters number 3 and 4 and then got an email about number 5! So I dealt with number 5. Number 6 is a "fate accompli" situation. I just have to write a letter. And that is that. Until the next problem comes along.

BUT HERE IS THE THING ABOUT WORK. I'M BACK TO IT. I realised in the middle of the day that I HADN'T HAD ANY ANX about walking in the door. That is another result.

So I carried on and then slipped away for my session of CBT. "Reported" and summarised as I'd expected. And then discussed what I was going to be doing next as I ticked my way through the list of reasons that had brought me there in the first place. We’ve done well really in a short period of time. I was able to see that I HAD met all targets and was dealing with what just a few weeks ago were anxieties and seemingly impossible tasks and hurdles.

Work I have under control. The moratorium with kindness and compassion is the way to move forward for 3 months with my ex. But here’s when the big tear arrived. I can’t help her with her future. Oh I can find money probably, I can find ways to be with her in company when necessary for those times with the children but I can’t be emotionally responsible anymore. I have to find a way for her to let go of me and stand up in her own right. Without feeling guilty about it. And I DON’T. But here’s the rub. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel very very sad that I have to do this “to” her.

This one is going to be hard to explain I think so I’ll take the time to think about it and write further later. When you take responsibility as seriously as I do… (The badly chosen or inappropriate dog must be kept well until it has died) is my firm policy. And that is a useful analogy even if it seems a little harsh. But I’m only using it because of the following piece of history.

When the ex and I first got together nearly 30 years ago we got TWO dogs because I was a firm believer that a dog should not be left on its own if you were a working couple. We saw two puppies in a pet shop (that used to happen!) and on enquiry were advised they were brother and sister lurchers; “A cross between a retriever and a greyhound”. I heard the word retriever and thought “That’ll do nicely”. I didn’t take into account the greyhound bit.

Since that time I’ve now made quite a few dog training progs and have learnt a lot about “breed specifics” and lurchers were definitely not for me. It’s like “Don’t have a collie unless you are happy that it’ll try to herd your kids”!

They lurchers were a bad choice in life. But there was no question of getting rid of them; 14 years later they died of natural causes and I had provided for them responsibly for their entire lives and done the best for them that I could.

The ethic is not dissimilar here. My ex is not a “dog” but is a responsibility as the chosen partner of my life at that time and more importantly the mother of my children. The commitment was and is for life in some form or other. And I have to come to terms with that and work out HOW I step forward causing as little pain and suffering as I can in the process.

No flippant lines or clever wordage to end this post. I have matters to think about and decisions to make. But I have given myself 3 months before I have to address this matter. And a lot can happen in that amount of time.

3 weeks ago I would not have said I’d be in the much improved frame of mind that I am now. I will therefore be stronger and more capable of facing these decisions than I was. Have a good week everyone. Liam