Scary stuff ....
Hi, my journey has not been an easy one, like many of you here I have lived with health anxiety, plus a whole range of other anxiety or mental health issues. My health anxiety has always been based around a fear, no dread of having cancer. The bomb shell came last year that I do in fact have a legion on my brain, near the brain stem.
Even as a child, from the age of eight I feared I would get cancer or some dreadful disease, even at that age I felt I would die before long, I know now that I was made to feel that I was not worthy to be well, and I deserve to be ill. I know now that I should never have been made to feel that way as a child. I would never sleep, one just in case I died in my sleep and also I didn't deserve to sleep. I would not sleep for 5-6 days straight. No drugs would make me sleep even cocane was tried by my doctors when I was still a child.
As I grew older I learned to live with this, but went from one type of cancer to another. I would not just think I had cancer, I would make myself ill.
Some will not believe this but I can assure you it is true, but when I was sixteen I believed I had skin cancer melanoma, this was not imaginary I had moles that grew, and itched, they doubled in size in a matter of weeks. The doctor wanted to remove them, but the panic I felt made me run for the hills, I could not face knowing I was going to die. As soon as I directed my thoughts away from this cancer onto another, the moles stopped growing, and now several years on I know I did not have THAT cancer.
Over the years I have run the gauntlet of tests, for nearly all the cancers. I have lived and come through panic attacks, been wheel chair bound due to anxiety. I have had O.C.D which has not been easy on people around me.
I have found only one thing in life that changed my anxiety and that was a complete mind occupying challenge, and I mean such a challenge that my mind can not let my body be ill. I strongly believe that people who suffer from anxiety disorders are normally very intelligent individuals, these people me included can turn there powerful minds in on themselves and MAKE THEM SELVES ILL!
For a few years I have had various neurological symptoms, this was before they found the legion last year, I have numbness, daily headaches, twitching all scary stuff. I know there is nothing I can do, if the legion is causing this then being where it is, it can not be removed. I have lost 20kg in a year partly because I can't eat due to nausea, and due to anxiety.
The reason I am posting here is to share my story, and maybe gain some support from others, I know that the anxiety has caused many of my problems, like when I am worse and can't eat I know that anxiety is making it difficult for me to swallow. I ring my hands as you do when you are anxious.
Health anxiety has ruined my life and many of the people around me, now that I really think I am sick, I hope others here are not going to live with this it is such a wast,
Peter
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