Hi All,

Well, as suggested I'll attempt to shed some light by way of a diary on what it's like to receive psychotherapy for the first time.

For those who are not familiar with my story, I started having panic attacks last September, primarily due to health anxiety and stress at work. Before then, I was always a bit of a worrier (mainly about logistical arrangements like travelling, accommodation etc) and was also a rather hypervigilant parent who perhaps took the responsibility of parenthood a bit too seriously. I have a career in IT and my only child is now grown up and serving in the Armed Forces abroad. I now have the most gorgeous, loving and supportive partner ever. I should be feeling tiptop but the rigours of life have caught up with me, it seems.

I decided against antidepressants and wanted to give therapy a go, having gained some relief from reflexology. My health anxiety is gone but I am left with some general free-floating anxiety (tension in stomach, lump in throat, dizziness etc) and still have to use all the methods I've learnt thus far to prevent any normal adrenaline surge from developing into a full blown panic attack. I am currently off work.

So, on to the counselling. I met the lady last week for my first session. We sat in a room and I remember noting that she was sitting quite a long way away from me for such an intimate discussion. Maybe this is so I have to project my voice or something - I'll ask anyway, might just be incidental, but I'm curious now (ahem... that'll be me analysing everything to death then!).

Anyway, she asked me a bit about myself and my past. I ended up giving her a potted history of my life, emphasising some of the key incidents and situations. I'd already done a lot of thinking prior to the session and figured that I'd save her some time there. She interjected very little and I rattled on for best part of an hour (nearly 40 years worth to cover!). I only reached for the tissues twice. She remarked on some of the things I said and, more importantly perhaps, some of the things I'd clearly missed out (she had spotted the fact that I'd not mentioned my parents at all, for example). We talked a bit more then I asked her some questions. Every question I asked, she responded to with a question (grrr!). That's when I realised that perhaps this therapy is all about me finding my own way through the maze, as it were. She was just there to accompany me on the journey.

So, onward we went together and the session overran by 20 minutes. Us lot do like a chat don't we, hehe! I left there wondering if going over old ground, stuff I've had years to think through already, would actually do any good. I don't know how relevant any of it is to the present predicament. However, I'm keeping an open mind and am interested to see what direction the session will take this week. I felt quite happy when I left, I skipped off down the path hand in hand with my ever-patient man at my side and have had quite a nice week since. All good.

More soon... :-)