hi
Oh i really feel for you. You sound like you are in what might be refered to as an anxiety crisis. I know them very well!, It is horrendus and you feel like you are either going mad or going to die, you begin to become obsessed with things and then those obsessions spiral out of control and the aggitation that goes with it is awful I have suffered with anxiety for 20 years and has about 4 panic crisis'. My first one was the worst as i was so very very frightened, i didn't know what it was to begin with went on for months getting worse and worse, then of course i went to get it sorted out.
You have done the hard part, recognition and are looking for a treatment that suits-you will find one. I think you have got into a cycle with the pills a cause and effect thing, you think the experience was due to the pills, so now every pill you take you will start to panic. Panic is an extremely powerful feeling and so is association.
In terms of pills I would stay well away from the benzo's (ativan) they are very addictive. venlafaxine didn't suit me, it made my anxiety worse (not what you want to hear) but for others it is brilliant. My best meds are paroxitine and citalopram, these days when i need to treat, i quater the prescribed dose, so for example if i am prescribed 20mgs a day i take 5 or ten and gradually increase it over say 3 weeks, it massivly reduces those horrid intial side effects (and they can be bad), BUT the problem with these pills is that you have to perservere- about a month should do it and you should absolutly NOT abruptly stop taking them-horrendus, gradual is the only way.
I am a keen advocate of the pills, why suffer this awful feeling when you don;t need to others don't go for them I have had all the therapies over the years some good some not so good, but the crucial thing to remember with anxiety is that it is a managment game, and a long game at that.
As for the 'i am a strong person' bit , well you probably are , but you are reacting to a 'crisis' in your life-childbirth and motherhood is about as big as it gets, so its no reflection on you that this has happened, i would challenge anyone who said that they didn;t react to having a new baby!

my advice-hold on there you WILL get your life back and carry on with the treatment.
Kath