TODAY IS A REALLY BIG DAY FOR ME. IVE BEEN SUFFERING PANICK ATTACKS FOR JUST OVER A YEAR AND IVE BEEN SO BAD IVE BEEN CONFINED TO MY HOUSE AND HAVE HAD TO QUIT MY JOB. FINALLY TODAY I HAVE MANAGED TO LEAVE MY HOUSE AND MY BOYFRIEND HAS BROUGHT ME INTO TOWN. HE,S GONE TO WORK NOW BUT IM SITTING HERE IN THE LIBRARY ON MY OWN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MONTHS. OK, IM SCARED, BUT HEH I FEEL RATHER PROUD OF MYSELF. I JUST HOPE THAT ONE DAY I CAN OVERCOME THIS AND START TO LIVE AGAIN, AT THE MOMENT I HAVE NO LIFE WHATSOEVER AND I CANNOT SEE AND END TO ALL MY PROBLEMS.
I HAD THERAPY FOR A SHORT WHILE TO TRY AND DETERMINE WHERE THIS ALL STEMS FROM BUT NO ONE COULD HELP ME. I FEEL LIKE I RELY ON THE DRUGS IM ON (VENLAFAXINE) EVEN THOUGH I DONT REALLY HAVE FAITH IN THEM ANY MORE. IS IT POSSIBLE FOR THESE ANTI DEPRESSANTS TO ACTUALLY CAUSE DEPRESSION?

I KIND OF JUST CAME ACROSS THIS SIGHT BY ACCIDENT BUT IM SO GLAD I DID, I COULD CRY. IM FED UP WITH DOCTORS AND THERAPISTS WHO DONT SEEM TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND CONFUSE ME EVEN MORE. ITS NICE TO READ THAT IM NOT ALONE AND IM NOT GOING CRAZY.

I OFTEN WONDER IF THIS ILLNESS CAN BE PASSED DOWN THROUGH GENERATIONS AS MY DAD IS REAL BAD AT THE MOMENT. HES ON DIAZIPAM AND HES BEEN ON IT SINCE 1971. HE IS ALSO A BIG DRINKER AND I USED TO WORRY ABOUT MY DADS MOODS WHEN I WAS A KID. NOW THOUGH, I UNDERSTAND WHY AND I FEEL LIKE WE ARE ALIKE IN SO MANY WAYS. MY MUM HAS FINALLY BEEN TO THE DOCTOR (AS MY DAD WONT VISIT HIM) AND THEY ARE COMING TO SEE MY DAD ON TUESDAY. IM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT BUT I KNOW ITS GOTTA BE DONE AS IT COULD SAVE MY DAD,S LIFE. HE COULD FINALLY GET HIS LIFE BACK. IM SCARED THOUGH BECAUSE I KNOW THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE HIM AWAY AND ITS GOING TO BE MONTHS BEFORE HE GETS OUT OF HOSPITAL.

OH GOD, I JUST REALISED HOW LONG IVE BEEN WRITING FOR.

MUST GO NOW

SEE YA AND TAKE CARE

LOVE DIANE