Hi everyone

I was just watching 24 hours in a&e & there was a man on it who committed suicide by taking a drug overdose. As soon as they started talking about it I just started thinking that I want to do it, & it really scared me. I also realised that I do this all the time, whenever suicide is mentioned. When I walk across bridges I also look over the edge & think what would happen if I jumped off. I did come very close to actually doing it a few months ago - I went to the end of a pier but managed to talk myself round, so after that I made sure I stayed away from piers. & its since that day that Ive had these feelings.

I think whats bothering me the most is that Ive achieved a lot recently, including moving house & I started a new job on monday. I thought I was doing ok, in fact before tonight I dont think Ive cried for a week which is a massive improvement for me. But Im scared that Ive just learnt to cover things up again, that Ive buried my feelings & that these thoughts are my brains way of warning me Im in trouble. What if something happens & I snap, & then just kill myself without being able to stop myself?

Im sorry this is such an essay, & that it probably doesnt make sense. Im just so scared of myself, I hope someone understands x