Hi everyone,

I have such a scary week coming up and already I'm starting to feel jittery about it. I really dont want to be pathetic and pull out of anything but its so tempting although I know that would be running away and I need to try to be 'normal'.

Tomorrows mothers day and I lost my mum suddenly last july. I'm a bit scared to face this, have been avoiding looking at cards etc. Her birthday was last month and I really thought I would be ok but it was terrible....like grief just hit me like a train and I cried all day ( at work unfortunately). I was on medication when she died and feel her death never really touched me then but now it seems to hit out of the blue and I so dont want to be a blubbering wreck in front of my own children tomorrow as they want to make the day nice for me. I still feel so guilty cos I really pushed my mum away before she died cos I was having problems with depression and I so wish I could turn the clock back. I didnt even see her for 3 days before she died. I just took it for granted that she'd be there.

Monday I have a very scary meeting at work with some very scary people and I so dont want to go but there is no option. I will probably have to speak and feel sick just thinking about it.

I'm going to have to go to the dentist I think too as I think I may have an abscess. I'm terrified of the dentist and the last time I went I made a complete prat of myself and ended up in tears.

My boys are in a local youth group and they are having their awards/ display night on friday and I really feel sick at the thought of going and sitting for hours with all those people. Worse they pick parents to take part in activities and I just cant. I'm scared I'll burst into tears or make a complete fool of myself. I know this is totally irrational and I obviously cant tell the boys why I feel like this. I know I need to go and stop being such a selfish sod. I just hate things like this.

I'm not sleeping well anyway, cos work is hard just now and I so need to be in control. I was off for seven months last year through stress/ depression (this started before my mum died) and I cant go there again. I'm too ashamed of myself as it is for how I was then. I want to keep moving forward but feel as if i keep getting stuck and I know I'm doing it to myself. I'm almost completely off antidepressants.
I get so angry with myself. I'm so pathetic.

I've just had a lovely bunch of flowers delivered from my children for mothers day and now Im in tears again!!! Can someone give me a shake please.

Sorry I've gone on a bit. Dont know what I'm looking for really, I know I'm the only one who can do this.

Sorry

Coni