Today I am getting another ultrasound on my neck. The Dr told me that my lymph node felt smaller, which is good & if the u/s showed that then he is ok with it since cancer gets bigger not smaller.

Anyway, every since he told me I should have be relieved. But instead I was nervous for the u/s, nervous they would get big again, and nervous for what it would show.

I woke up today very nervous. It jolted me out of my sleep. But the odd thing is that I get these waves of calmess (which is nice). But they do not last long. However I am happy to be moving past this part of things.

I just hope it shows they shrunk. Logically they have. When I had the first u/s I could feel the lymph node very easily. It stuck out of my neck when I looked even slight up. And if I put my hand on my neck I could feel it under my skin.

Now, if I feel my skin, there is only the tiniest of bumps where the node was. But stupid me, this week that wasn't good enough for me. So I craned my neck way back (like almost looked behind me!). Then I could feel a pretty long hard line which I am pretty sure is my node. And it feels skinny, but long. Anyway, is the node sac is empty and that by pushing my head like that it fills up or gets compressed making it bigger? I don't have it on the other side.

Also, where I can see the small bump on my skin, it was hard. But it has started turing soft. And I swear at some points it feels like the softness is draining out, and on those days I can feel it move down. Then the node feels smaller.

Anyway, I have examined myself way too much. I wish I did not know what a lymph node was.