I've been suffering from these though for three years now, I am eighteen now and they first started when I was around 16. I know i have a history of OCD since I was a kid, I used to have to get up to go pee around 8 times a night even when I didn't have to really go, I used to check the doors were locked around 10 times a night. I feel the need to blink and cough all the time, and ever since I was a kid I would worry about things a lot (people coming into my house, thinking an earthquake or a fire would happen while I was sleeping, or thinking that a ghost was in my room or silly things like that) And for a while I was worried that I was gay, even though I have nothing at all against gay people, I now realize I am not. That kind of stuff. At around 16 I was pretty depressed over things that I now know aren't worth being depressed over, I was basically at the edge of finally going on to the my worst upcoming obsession the worst possible one, at that time I started worrying that I was attracted to kids. The first time the thought came into my head I hated myself, I cried many nights, I contemplated telling my family but decided not to because I thought it would be too weird. I saw a movie with a pedo in it and felt like I was gonan grow up to be that guy. At this time I knew nothing about ocd or intrusive thoughts so I thought they were legitimate thoughts. Once summer passed (one of the worst ever since I didn't want to do anything and felt extreme guilt) I went back to school and my mind eased up a bit, about 5 months later I had a girlfriend and my thoughts were still there but I was able to tolerate them since I had other things to think about then. Around 6 months later after breaking up with her for other reasons (simply didn't work out) my thoughts were slowly coming but I was still able to tolerate them, probably because that summer was a good one and I was occupied with other things. Now my thoughts are back and they are worse than ever, every time I go out and see a kid I worry, I feel like a weirdo with my friends, I feel scared a nervous when I'm with my little cousins. Sometimes I try to expose myself and look at kids like regular people and not think anything sexual then I'll think why did I do that!? Is it because I subconsciously liked it!? Ever since I was a kid, I've always loved kids, in fact it kinda runs in the family, my sister and uncles are teachers, and my parents love children, therefore being attracted to kids is the WORST possible thing to me, I'd rather do literally anything else. But ocd and depression also runs, my sister has small ocd things and my mom took meds for being depressed. If I'm on the internet and see a random photo of a naked woman, a picture of a kid will pop up in my mind and then I'll shrug it away, then five minutes later I'll start to think "Was I attracted to the photo because I thought of a kid?" Then I'll have to somehow disprove it in my mind and find some sort of word to make me feel safe. Recently I had a little cousin over who is still practically a baby, before I would be able to hold a baby without thinking of anything, now I'm afraid to carry them cause I'm afraid I might touch them wrong or something and just the other day when my cousin was over I thought I should face up to it and just carry her like a regular person, and when I did she sat on my hands while I was carrying her and I immediately felt extreme guilt and put her down and went into my room to think about it. I was not able to think straight and began thinking that I actually touched her on purpose, which I am 99.9 percent sure I didn't, but the thought is killing me, I KNOW that I don't find that sexually attractive at all, I mean it's a babies little butt! my cousin is the cutest thing in the world, and I kept thinking that my mind somehow just turned on me and that I did it on purpose and enjoyed it which I know I wouldn't do, but the thought still kills me, I feel like if i can just get over this thought, I will stop obsessing over this and I'll be fine (though I've told myself that before other times) I just feel like if I really did touch her on purpose (even though it doesn't turn me on AT ALL) then I acted out on my thoughts and I am some sort of freak, but she is just a toddler practically a baby, I am in no way attracted to her, just talking about it makes me feel weird. I have never told anyone about these thoughts, which might be bad because my parents still get pissed off at me when I don't do my bed or forget to cut the grass or something, I can't blame then, they don't know what is going on in my mind, but it is literally killing me. When I'm in class, it's almost all I think about, it's like I face a new one each day. Recently a thought of a kid came in my mind and tried focusing on it and I said "yes I do like that" but then I thought NO I DON'T, I KNOW i don't. Sometimes it feels so real. I feel like I don't care if i get into fights or so more dangerous stuff, I'd rather die than have these thoughts my whole life. Can someone PLEASE help me? Please, and thank you. At 16 I was hoping I'd be over this by the time I was 18.