Having a downer....

[Tessar]

There's nowt like a week's holiday to cheer the heart. Lots of walking .... coffee shops, historic buildings, great place to stay. Met up with lovely friends. What more could a girl ask for? Oh I forgot, good weather!!

[Annie0904]

I am so pleased you have had a good holiday Tessar and were able to meet up with friends

[Tessar]

Meeting my friends was the best part, I'd been looking 4ward 2it for ages.

[Annie0904]

I am sure your friends were VERY happy to meet you too

[Tessar]

Strange really, reading back my original post here. Depression & the journey out of it or fighting it (or life generally) definitely is a roller coaster. Back August I was feeling mentally tired. At the moment, mentally I am feeling strong & its physical tiredness I've had. Even though I have had stuff to deal with that would have really dragged me down before, I have stayed strong for myself. Not allowed negative family influences to drag me down. That's why its so important no to allow other, negative people to suck you into their mire. You stay strong & keep yourself out of it.
I am still trying to stay assertive at work, I've had mixed results on that & still have to keep working hard on it. I will get there I am sure but there is work to be done to become truly assertive. One person in particular who I need to master. But I have made some in-roads into that, a couple of times making remarks that before would have stayed firmly just as thoughts. She responded to them as well, noticing I had remarked about her. I was polite but honest. I guess these are the first steps towards being assertive with her. We all have to start somewhere.
The efforts I have made helping my partner be more positive & independent (& to gain freedom to be myself as well) are definitely working. It does all takes alot of effort but if you get stuck in then give it time & change will happen.
I'm also making progress with destructive habits/behaviours I've had all my life. I am changing these. Like I said a couple of months ago, I keep reminding myself of what I'd say to anyone else in this situation & practice what I preach. It is hard to take our own advice & be kind to ourselves but if we do it, gradually it becomes more natural. And again, whatever happens I'm not going to give in, I will keep at it.
As ever, Hugs to anyone who is feeling tired, down or maybe frustrated.

[Tessar]

I feel rather out of sorts today; My mother is elderly & has suffered from huge problems with confusion, memory loss. She imagines people who arent there. Spoke to my father yesterday. he had to call an ambulance over the weekend as my mother fell & he couldnt get her up. Not sure what's going to happen next. They'd put her on strong painkillers which made her confusion worse. Though she's off them now, the mental problems continue as bad as ever. My father just about copes but if it gets any worse I dont think he will.
I feel confused as my family werent very kind to me as a child. I loved my mother when I was little but then it all changed after my youngest brother came along. I became the subject of everyones angst & anger, got teased & laughed at all the time. All I ever wanted was us to be a happy family but it didnt happen. Til last year I never gave up hope my mother would change, she wouldnt be that amazing, caring & warm person I longed for.
Thing is, part of me is screaming "dont get involved" because when I have alot of contact with my parents, they set me back. it feels like caring about my mother so much is betraying myself. but I cant help feeling sad. I feel confused because I hate what my family did to me but she's still my mother. I guess I need to separate the past from the present maybe? That although bad things happened, what's happening now is genuinely sad regardless of all that water under the bridge. at least she did mean something to me at one time & perhaps that is why I feel sad. Does that make sense??

[Annie0904]

It does make sense Tessar and I can see how confusing it will be with mixed emotions and feelings.
I guess the fact that you live so far away doesn't help either. You have been to visit recently though and I know that wasn't easy for you and dragged you down a little so do think about yourself in all that is going on.
I think it is going to get increasingly difficult for your Father to cope and a care home may be the option? From what you have said about your Mum, I don't think she is going to understand much of what is going on.
It is not an easy thing to separate the past from the present a you already know.
I don't know what I would do in the same circumstances. You are a naturally caring, loving person so you obviously want to support no matter what has gone on in the past. Think through this carefully as I don't want you to end up getting hurt again.
For the time being maybe a few extra calls to your Father to keep check on the situation will be sufficient.
Sending you hugs

[Tessar]

thanks annie. you always know what to say to make me feel better. the hugs helped too. and yes you are right about me being a naturally caring, loving person. also that I want to support no matter what has gone on in the past. I dont want to get hurt either so I reckon your plan of a few extra calls to my Father will do for now. i've got brothers who can also help anyway so it's not just down to me. been trying to keep busy at work but its been quite hard. anyway; despite wanting to stuff my face with all bad things, i havent so far. might allow myself a biccie tho but not choccy or crisps.

[Kim51]

Sending hugs to support you

[Tessar]

Thanku Kim.

When I left work 2nite, I was thinking (odd tho this may sound) that having problems to deal with helps you get better. I am not wishing troubles on myself but I realised this afternoon that bearing in mind visiting my parents recently was such hard work & left me stressed..... That when my brother died no wonder I felt so bad. Not because I grieved him, but that I was thrown in, literally at the deep end... Into a pool of my past. It was triggering. Just like involvement with my parents at the moment. It is triggering. But as such, it reminds me why I get stressed &anxious in life, because situations remind me of the past. So I will try to remind myself that I am now in the present & while my past does still exist & jumps up to bite me from time to time, it isn't something I can't cope with. I am determined it isn't going to beat me.