Fear I am depressed and suicidal :-(

[Bonnibelle]

Ok. LIttle background as I always do before I do a post I lost my Nan last July, we were very close. My brother attacked me 2 months later. I then lost my family as they all took his side, he has a personality disorder, they blamed me for not forgiving him etc.... This lead to PTSD, anxiety and agoraphobia. My world closed in on me but this summer I got out again and felt much better.

In the last month I have been feeling a blip, not going out easy again, feeling anxious at home but in the last week my sister upset me, this lead to me feeling very stressed out as they ruined my last Christmas and I so want this one to be the best. Then last Monday I had a huge panic attack and what if's running around my head at the time so I feared it meant I was suicidal. Then on Saturday I felt so low, I was crying and all going through my head was my upset about the intrusive thoughts I get. What if I hurt myself, what if I hurt my children, what if it means i am suicidal, what if I just lose control and they lock me up, what if I am psychotic or ill like my brother...... all this lead to a HUGE panic on Saturday, I felt I was losing my mind with all the what ifs.

My intrusive thoughts started after my brother attacked me. I made hubby throw all the knives out as I feared what if I hurt myself or the kids with one. The thoughts got better but now they are back and I fear it all means i am suicidal.

I have gone from an anxious, agoraphobic woman to, in the last week, a very scared woman, intrusive thoughts back and panic attacks caused by the fear I am suicidal. I haven't had panic attacks until this point and I have been unwell for a year.

I saw my GP last week he said I'm not suicidal or going mad, but I am very unwell with anxiety and I feel low due to the isolation of the agoraphobia and feeling I have noone but my husband and children. I adore my hubby and children. They are my world and it terrifies me that I am suicidal as I would never want to hurt them

In the last week I feel low and not myself at all due to all these fears I think. I know if I could truly believe I'm not suicidal and they are just thoughts I could feel how I did before this last week. The book I'm reading 'At Last a Life' has helped loads, and I know I can combat the agoraphobia with what I am learning from it but now this cloud of uncertainty and fear I am suicidal or dangerous is making me feel sick, I am hardly eating and I fear will this get worse.

The GP just suggested upping the mirtazapine from 7.5mg to 15mg, but I don't think that will just take this fear away. My intrusive thoughts scare me, the book has taught me they mean nothing it is just how I am paying attention to them that is feeding them, but they have planted a doubt that I am suicidal and depressed, and now I am obsessing.

Can anyone help? I am so frightened what this all means.

[costagirl]

Hi Bonnibelle,

From what I have experienced of anxiety, your FEAR of being suicidal means that you are not actually going to carry it out, it is just one of your biggest fears - hurting the people you love. I think this is what people mean when they say 'intrusive thoughts' and it is just another symptom of depression and anxiety. I know it is very frightening but you will not just 'go crazy'. Your fear of 'going crazy' is another symptom of fun old anxiety! I had some very disturbing and violent dreams which I dwelt on for ages after I woke up but I eventually managed to put it down to just a stressed, anxious mind. I find it is better not to try and 'fight' the intrusive thoughts but try and accept that it is anxiety. You will not 'carry out' the intrusive thoughts Try and look at it from an observer's point of view - 'Ok, so this is panic, anxiety, that is all. But this will pass soon'. Keep talking to people, do not be afraid or embarrassed to talk. This is what I find keeps me going in my darkest times. I hope this helps you
Lots of hugs and I hope you feel better soon Xx

[Bonnibelle]

Thank you so much for your reply.

I'm reading At Last a Life and he talks about intrusive thoughts all being part of anxiety. It is reassuring to know. I've been fearing I'm suicidal and will go crazy and hurt people I love of they've diagnosed me wrong. I guess it's all just fear.

It's great having people that understand. I often worry only meds will sort this but what if they don't work and I'm like this forever but you're right acceptance is the key.

Are you a Costa fan by any chance ??

Hi Bonnibelle,

From what I have experienced of anxiety, your FEAR of being suicidal means that you are not actually going to carry it out, it is just one of your biggest fears - hurting the people you love. I think this is what people mean when they say 'intrusive thoughts' and it is just another symptom of depression and anxiety. I know it is very frightening but you will not just 'go crazy'. Your fear of 'going crazy' is another symptom of fun old anxiety! I had some very disturbing and violent dreams which I dwelt on for ages after I woke up but I eventually managed to put it down to just a stressed, anxious mind. I find it is better not to try and 'fight' the intrusive thoughts but try and accept that it is anxiety. You will not 'carry out' the intrusive thoughts Try and look at it from an observer's point of view - 'Ok, so this is panic, anxiety, that is all. But this will pass soon'. Keep talking to people, do not be afraid or embarrassed to talk. This is what I find keeps me going in my darkest times. I hope this helps you
Lots of hugs and I hope you feel better soon Xx

[Scared_11]

This is exactly what I am going through at the moment! All the questions and feelings.

Is this OCD?
Maybe I have depression?
I want to act in these thoughts?!
Do I like these thoughts?!

I have always had a huge fear of dying too young (I am 26) and what this would do to my family? I don't want to cause them all the hurt, I love them so much! So why these thoughts! They torment me!! And then this makes me go maybe I can't cope with these fears and thoughts anymore.

If I think them surely they must have some truth.

Truth is it's all ocd!! As much as right now it doesn't feel that way.

[Hopeandlove]

sounds like ocd with anxiety/panick