i know this sounds really stupid but i have to get a train to see my dad tomorrow and i'm terrified. i live in london and very seldom use the tube due to intense claustrophobia, and after several panic attacks i find it difficult to use any form of transport whatsoever. thank god for buses, which are bearable because when the traffic is very bad i can convince my panicking heart that if need be i can run downstairs and force the driver to let me off.
anyway that's besides the point. i've been panicking very often since being held in a police kettle during a student protest in 2010 for 10 hours. i have told very few people about this besides my boyfriend, who is understanding but doesn't comprehend it, if that makes sense. recently i have had to take a lot of trains due to deaths in the family and general life circumstances, but many of these train rides have stopped abruptly outside of stations for 5 minutes and every time this happens i feel like i am going to collapse. it is horrible because i feel completely out of control, my heart bangs in my chest and i begin to convince myself that i can't breathe.
my "coping mechanisms" are always traveling with water (i think i would not be able to travel at all without my trusty bottle of water) because drinking it calms me down, and listening to audiobooks and calm music. i'd be curious to know others. i am very worried about tomorrow. i know that the reason i am so worried is not because i am getting a train, but because i feel cheated by how panicked i become in these situations. but this fact doesn't make sense when my whole body is basically spasming in panic and i convince myself that i am going to die on the train. i guess it's basically claustrophobia.
does anyone have any advice? i don't want to let my dad down by cancelling. and has anyone trialled therapy for this stuff? i've been looking at CBT but i guess the NHS waiting list is long. i feel like i need to sort this out because if not i am going to wreck my life. i am only 22 and i feel so embarrassed and ashamed about this.