What do you do when...

[Orange Lightning]

...You don't want to live another day, but you're too scared to die.

Today I just got a horrible, but true message from someone about something I mentionned a good while back. It was to do with a test I took for this LPR reflux that has been tormenting me for a whole year now. I thought my results might still help me believe my symptoms are to do with anxiety, but then someone on a different site said;

You said: "... I have had the Rapid Spit Test (for stomach pepsin), and only 1 of 3 samples showed pepsin. Moreover it showed it when I was symptom-free, and a research paper I was given says this pepsin falls into the NORMAL RANGE that people reflux - up to 3 times a day in controlled subjects." Contrary to your statement, pepsin does NOT belong in the throat, and is absent in normal, control subjects;

http://www.voiceinstituteofnewyork.c...ngeal-disease/

If you tested positive for pepsin with the test, than you have it. No question. Stop deluding yourself."

They're right. I have a chronic illness which - according to research - becomes worse in at least 70% of people who get it. Many die of cancer, but even if they don't they live a long, horrible life of suffering, fearing their next meal or movement. I'm going to be no different. I'm only 22 and I've lost so much; friends, family, quality of life and more besides. I have the one thing I never wanted. A lifelong, torturous illness that wishes me dead. Or more to point, that makes me wish I was dead.

I keep deluding myself into thinking anxiety might still be involved in this. Of course it's not. And so I decided to make an accurate recording of my thoughts and words the last time I felt this depressed - only a few days ago. Not surprisingly, I look back on these words and I see that not only am I on the verge of going insane, I am right. There's no positives left in my life. And don't say "but at least you're alive;" having LPR every waking second is not living. Even if I find my dream job, even if I find a good romantic life, even if I won the freaking lottery, I would still suffer every day. Here's a sample of what I recorded:

"It's still happening; I'm still getting LPR despite crying out my stress, why won't it stop, please make it stop, please. What did I do to deserve it, What sick god would allow people to suffer like this? I'm too young to suffer like this for my whole life, I don't want to 'make changes' or cut out my quality of life, I want to be NORMAL again. No more burping, no more mucus, no more reflux, no more LP-f****-R..!!!!!! No more symptoms related to food, water and excercise instead of stress. No more fearing what I eat and do. No more slow, painful suffering every day. Someone please, make it stop, I don't care how, just make the illness go away NOW. Not with lifestyle and diet changes. Not with diet changed. Not with months of testing and false hope. Now. I can't stand it anymore, and yet I'm typing this without crying AND still burping and coughing and more. It never ends, it never will end. I will never be free. I took the time of my life for granted and now I can never get it back. I will have to suffer with everything I eat, drink and do for the rest of my life while people around me binge on junk food and sweets and enjoy themselves without getting reflux. I'm so jealous of them, many of them can do more bad things than me, or eat and drink more bad things and never be as ill as me for a day in their life. Burping and reflux continuing even now. It starts when I wake up, it's there when I get up, eat anything, drink anything, no meds can stop it, surgery can't stop all of it. Only one thing can stop it, and I'm too worried what I'll do to others if I carry it out. I don't want to live with my illness, but I don't want to die either. What is left for me but to suffer and suffer?"

All written down as I thought of, or said it. I'm sorry to have to share something so dark and twisted, but I can't think of anything else to do about this right now. Nothing can cure my illness. I don't want to live with my illness. What can I do? I can't get stronger, I've always been anxious. I can't magically "forget my worries," because LPR affects me if I so much as roll over in my bed. I can't just "hang in there" and hope for a better tomorrow - it'll NEVER BE BETTER. Ever. I can't even handle a single year, how am I expected to live a full life like this?

I don't want to.

End of.

End me.

Sorry to be so dramatic, and to post so much. I'm just so, freaking messed up right now.