I don't even know what to write. I want to pour all my panic and fear into this post but I feel so stupid. The meal was my idea. It's meant to be a nice thing for my birthday. It's not nice. It's terrifying. And I have to leave in under an hour. This is messed up. I don't know why it never occurs to me how difficult these things are until they're staring me in the face.
I don't even really have time to be sitting here writing this, but I'm really close to tears and I just had to tell someone. I hate being me sometimes. I really, really do.