In some ways I feel better than I have done for a long time. When I have panic attacks I am better equipped to deal with them than I used to be and they are over much more quickly. I'm starting to develop friendships and interests and I have a good idea of where I want to go with my future. I'm not feeling as unreal either.
On the other hand I still feel very tense and anxious, I don't really feel like a human being, thoughts of death and suicide plague me and I feel very pressurised and trapped.
When I was having really bad panic attacks and I had been having them for about a year I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to give up, that I had come so far and worked so hard and I wasn't going to let it be for nothing. Maybe because so much more time has passed and I'm still not well I just don't feel like I've got the same fight and spirit at the moment.
I used to have urges to drive into oncoming traffic and stuff like that and that caused a lot of my panic attacks. I don't have urges like that so much, which is all the more frustrating why I have urges to hurt myself at the moment.
I know it will pass and that I'm actually doing very well. I guess it's the frustration about not being able to make that final leap that is causing me to go backwards a little bit. I'm just scared and I want it to go away so that i can get on with my life.
Ships in harbour are safe..but that's not what ships were built for.