I don't know if I'm depressed or not; I just feel like there's no hope?
I am in a really rough place right now and I feel like my support system is thin. I may go in for counseling at my university when I start back in a couple of weeks, but it’s hard for me to say these things out loud, so counseling is really difficult for me as well.
I’m just feeling so hopeless. I feel like my problems are silly, but they’re wearing me down completely. My most main problem is the acne I’ve recently posted about; it’s better than it was several years ago but the scarring is there (not just red marks; several rolling scars too) and I’ve tried so much. I’m going to go back to a dermatologist and see what can be done, but it’s hard. I can't make eye contact with people, and I haven't been able to look at my reflection in over a month.
I’ve been reading posts on an acne forum, which I shouldn’t do – the people there are so mean and pessimistic, they make me feel worse. But it’s hard not to. I just feel like with all I’ve tried, and what posters there seem to say (not all, but some) that there’s just absolutely no hope and it won’t ever get better anyway.
I also have problems with my dog – I have a behaviorist and we’re set up to do some training exercises in a few weeks. I belong to a really awesome and supportive forum for dogs (I belong to too many forums I guess!) but my other life problems have got me feeling so down; I feel like I’ll get hopeful and it will all be for nothing in this regard to. It seems silly to be so upset about my dog - though he means the world to me and I want him to be happy/healthy - but it just feels like yet another thing that's going wrong. They’re two different things, but they just feel so related.
On top of that, I’m in school and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, but I have no idea. I need to work on internships and career fairs, but with my self-esteem where it is, I just can’t. It takes all I have to go to class and work. My twin brother is attractive, perfect skin, career all set up, and everything he wants to do he can do flawlessly – I feel like such a troll in comparison; no matter how hard I work, nothing gets better.
It seems like every small bit of hope or positive movement is quickly squashed. I feel like nothing will ever work, nothing will ever go right. I just want to lay down and do absolutely nothing but even that doesn't sound appealing. I know if I brought it up to my parents they'd be happy to help me if they could (they've offered to pay for an appointment with a skin specialist to work on the scars, but I need to work on my active acne as well and I'm too scared they'll say I'm unhelp-able and it really will be hopeless). I just don't know how to bring it up. I don't talk about it, because I feel like if they knew how much it bothered me, it would be that much worse for them or they just wouldn't understand and I don't know what would be worse.
I try to tell myself that sometimes things do work out - I used to have really awful HA and never thought I'd get over that but I did. This, though, feels the same emotionally, only worse because it's something others can see/judge me on and I don't know....I just feel like it's impossible.
I guess I just needed to get it out as I don't think anyone can really help me...thanks for listening though.
__________________
On the road of experience, join in the living day. If there's an answer it's just that it's just that way.
When you're looking for space and to find out who you are...When you're looking to try and reach the stars.
It's a sweet, sweet, sweet dream; sometimes I'm almost there
Sometimes I fly like an eagle, sometimes I'm deep in despair.