I found this message on another message board that I thought really did a good job of explaining how I feel on a daily basis. But I also suffer from intrusive thoughts about suicide which only scare me, but do not cause any actual desire for suicide.Someone used the term "thought dissociation" and that really rang a bell with me. My worst complaint is feeling detached from my thoughts and feeling like my thought processes and mental activity is not conscious. Like there is a wall between my awareness and what I am thinking. Is this the case for all?
I feel like I can't control anything that goes on in my head and I'm tired of just having thoughts pop in on their own. It also feels like nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like a robot. For example when I have attempted to work on CBT with my therapist, the entire process terrified me.. The idea that we don't have control over our thoughts and that we need to form new habits and NEW automatic thoughts.. I don't know, I can't feel connected to this idea and my brain wants to dismiss and deny that this is even possible, because I can't handle the fact that we actually NEED to brainwash ourselves to think a certain way through repetition.
I pretty much feel that way about everything now. Everything feels so out of control and just.. wrong, I can't help but question everything, to the point that it feels almost automatic. But feeling like my thoughts are not my own is probably the most terrifying symptom that I have right now. I also suffer from symptoms of OCD like constantly repeating things in my head, obsessive rumination over my anxiety and the way I feel/think.
Is this really JUST DP/DR? Is it possible for this thought process to ever end once the door has been opened?