G'day!
I am starting to feel a bit better from this horror, I have identified what it is (been having a sort of nervous breakdown).
I suffer from chronic OCD, during this breakdown however I have not had any obsessions and compulsions. Just excessive racing negative thoughts that are aimed inwards. The thoughts actually cause feelings of depersonalisation/derealisation and corrupt the way I perceive things - include my perception of the flow of time. I have a (probably an incorrect belief) that there is something SERIOUSLY neurologically wrong with me (or I am going psychotic but they tell me I am not). So I have to live with the fact that the OCD is always there in one form or another!!!
Here is the interesting thing - when I feel better, usually in the afternoon and temporarily feel like myself again I start to have normal intrusive thoughts and compulsions!! The self aiming inward obsessive thoughts are gone. But then the self aiming inward thoughts come back the next morning with the depersonalisation chronically. I can live with normal OCD but not the 'depersonalisation' kind if that makes sense. So maybe I need to treat OCD.
I doubt anyone has experienced this right? I think it is a new form of OCD.
Just for interest, what is the BEST medication to treat OCD. I am on SSRI's and it only cuts the anxiety not the OCD style intrusive thoughts. I believe if I can shut the the ruminating off or redirect it on outward things - my experience and functioning may normalize when I re-train myself to just be normal like other people.
This reminds me of a quote from the matrix "ignorance is bliss". The human mind was not meant to turn in on itself and analyse every aspect of itself (especially if you have OCD/anxiety).