I’ve had a tape stashed away that I recorded when I was 16 , me and about 5 mates getting smashed in my bedroom on a friday night , two litre of lager and two litre of cider to make snakebites , I clicked record on a c90 so 45 mins of drunken singing and shouting , I haven’t listened to it since the 80s when it was made , one day when I feel good I’ll get hold of a tape player and see what’s on it , right now I think stuff from the past will make me feel worse with times gone by , me and my family met up last night and let off a few balloons for my mum , my brother didn’t turn up so we went to see him after and spend a bit of time with him .
Im really struggling now the day of the mammogram is getting closer and I can see my partner has gone from what ever to I’m sure I have it , if she’s worried and she doesn’t normally worry about her health then it makes me worry more , I feel physically sick and tearful from when I wake to when I go to sleep at night , it seems there is a constant bombardment on tv of people with cancer , it feels like a ticking time bomb and we’re just waiting for it to go off , I can feel okay for a short while when people say she will be okay , the doubt sets in and completely takes over , what if what if what if , I’ve been with her for so long I can’t imagne a life without her , now the kids have left and my parents are gone she’s my life , we had plans of a life at the coast but come Friday this could all change , or it could be good news and put things into perspective, I can’t sleep , eat or work right now my head is not on the job , I’m getting upset just writing this but maybe if I get it out this way I can go out with the dogs and not over think for a while .
Thank you for being there x