Hi, I really thought I was better and was never going to feel like this again. I’ve had 6 fairly good weeks.
Then – Whamo…… I have this enormous emotional fall and I’m back where I started.
I wasn't even going to go public on this forum with this, because I have been feeling so well lately and I've even been offering suggestions to other people on here, so for me to tell you all, would only confirm my personal feelings of worthlessness and failure.
Going public is new to me, but I'm at the stage in my life that I will try anything.
So here goes . . .
These feelings started last Monday and have been intensifying since then. Firstly I woke up with a panic attack (Heart attack feelings) I knew what it was, but after it subsided I felt very tired and washed out. I called into work sick and spent most of the day sleeping. I talked to a few people on NMP and their advice and empathy got me to work on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. (Big hugs to you guys – you know who you are) Then Friday morning at work I lasted 1/2 hour and came home in tears. My emotions were so raw I just had to get out of there and back to my safety zone - my home.
Thank God we had a long w/end here, so I've had 4 days to get 'myself together’.
Then I woke up this morning and just didn't want to get out of bed, it was all too hard. I didn't even call in-sick at work. I just couldn't be bothered. I really can't be bothered doing anything at all. Everything is just too hard.
I don't care anymore what people say about me, they call me an emotional freak anyway so I just don’t care anymore - I've never known anyone else that had long term depression and anxiety until I joined NMP, so every time people have told me to 'get over it' etc its just reinforced my thoughts of being a freak and an emotional idiot.
I've always believed there was something really wrong with me because everyone else seems to be able to just 'get on with life' and pick themselves up, and just keep going with everything that life throws at them.
The funny thing is I can handle normal everyday dramas like a flat tyre, stolen mobile etc. It's just that I am very emotional, and I get easily upset when criticized, rejected or let down by people. Then I get very emotional and deeply depressed because of my own beliefs that these people are right. All I want to do is hide away and never come out.
I’m a complete failure because I continue to let my kids down, I continually let work down. I seem to be always letting someone down. I feel completely totally useless and worthless and a total waste of space. Why can’t I just ‘get on with it’ like normal people do?
I don’t know how to change these thoughts about myself, when I continue to behave just the way people expect me to act. When I was a little kid and right through my entire life I have never been able to voice an opinion of my own, to my parents or other people, because they are right and I am wrong. If I ever did voice my own opinion I was always ridiculed, so I just stopped doing it.
I constantly tell myself that I am not these things, but after been told my entire life that I am a useless stupid waste of space etc, I’m finding it hard to believe anything else. So when I feel like I do now, it just reinforces what I think everyone is saying about me, that I am a total waste of space.
I just can’t take this anymore, I want to feel worthy and needed, and that my opinion matters. But when I get rejected or criticised I lose the plot and just want to hide away forever. Please help – I know there are other people on here that feel like I do, I just need some help and support. I’ve tried being tough and to just ‘let it go’ but nothing I do seems to help. I am on meds for depression, anxiety, and ADHA, so I’m covered in the med department. I just need to know how to erase my brain and to wake up with a normal one.
Sorry for raving on. SJ