Me again! I have repeated this next sentence about 100 times on this site but I will do it again - I went on citalopram March 2008 and came off them November 2008. Went on them for panic/anxiety which turned into depression. Went back on them January 2009 due to an alcohol related episode that brought me right back to square one again. Me and alcohol dont mix. Anyway after going on 10mg to 20mg and now 30mg for the last month I feel alot better but still have occasional 'blips'. The only problem is I often find myself thinking at different times during the day will I ever be myself again. This depression/anxiety episodes for the last year and a half going on and of meds, the side effects etc etc have taken their toll on me and I find myself worrying a bit. I just want to be normal asha again the way I used to be although my boyfriend and my family say I am the same as I always was. But (and I havent told anyone this) I feel kind of bruised by the whole thing. I hope I am explaining it clear enough. I feel like I have been tarnished by the heartbreak I have had. The first time I went on it it was horrendous as I waited so long to go on an ssri and had hallucinations from xanax withdrawal and nearly lost my mind. So to get the anxiety/depression back this year was truly heartbreaking for me. I often wonder if all this fighting to get through the day and think positively is worth it. And then I look at my son and realise I must be strong. Anyone else ever feel this way??