carys,
you totally get me. i feel exactly the same as you described for yourself those years ago....without this website, all your support and my mum stepping up as she has in the last month, i honestly couldnt say what i may have done....all the worst was thought of.....
so its 4:30am here, im awake as can be and well aware of what im going to try to achieve in 12 hrs from now...even my arm is hurting...im going mad with trying to rationalise the 1 min tiny sharp pain against my other thoughts.....and i cant believe how the (beep) im going to get through birth if this is how i am now...with a blood test....what have i done? what did i think i was able to do?/face?
emmas, great to hear from you, your always so lovely and your support is invaluble! i totally agree with the conquered phobia thing, but brave is the last thing i am. im happy to avoid my fears if i can...and yes, i agree even tho having the fear with you is not really a life...its still one id rather to facing my fears...but here i am, after spending the last 4 years terribly torn between facing fear or never getting to be a mum, and part of it is not just for me, its for hubby, his mum, my mum, his dad and my dad...so it became not just about missing something for just me anymore.....almost like a wifes duty to her family...i felt tremendous pressure to make this happen. everyone else in our families gets to enjoy this pregnancy except me..im finding it still so hard....
winging aside, carys, yes, ive started feeling 'quickening'? for a few days i wasnt sure if it was just food fighting my guts (IBS) lol, but in the last days, i realised my food cant actually poke my gut out from within lolololol.....
i call it alien gut for now..... its faint, but getting more and more...oh god,.....im trying to be lamely funny, but finding it very hard when so close to this stupid test!
needles are an irrational fear eh?! they are just a prick and only last a min...my mum offered to bring a valium, but of course i also have to have a new fear of meds now dont i.....cant handle being out of it. mum wants me to take it....even half and i think id be off my face...ewww...shes got the cream...has anyone used that? does it actually work? she says the chemist swears it does...sorry to keep harping on here, you can see the way my mind works now cant you......obsessively lol.....ive barely slept these last two nights, and i have to drive an hour in the morning to go to the hospital with mum for a check in....then frantically drive an hr back here and wait....for this nurse to show up.....hubby has told me if i cant handle it, then thats ok, and not to worry what others think, but this isnt something i can avoid...and mum will be &*(*&&&$$##
im thinking also, the lady will do that awful prep...urghhh! then put that horrible thing around my arm for pressure..urgh!!!! im thinking ill get her to stop and wait till i am ready, so she can then just put the needle in...urghhh!!!! again! once its in, im hoping, like last year...ill be fine....ill just want her to get it out asap.....i googled help with needle phobia...why is google always unhelpful????? there was this forum, where a women said she went into anaphilactic shock ....that bad!!!! i hope this doesnt happen to me, it would hurt baby surely!!????
i should try to sleep again, i have to be up in 3 hrs....to drive...in this state...how stupidly dangerous of me....
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