All your anxiety now stems from your childhood ...I feel so very sorry that you are feeling so traumatised ..All this needs to be talked about with a specialist .You dont say whether you have been to a councellor or not ,But even if you have ,you still need someone to help you move on from your Terrible memories .This is causing you too many problems to just let it go on, the way you are .You sound like a very nice man and great Dad .Feeling you are going to lose the people you love is understandable ,but very highly unlikely .Its just your Anxiety Feeding on your deepest fears .Learning how to think differently can be taught by CBT .Also accepting that these thoughts are just anxiety and not fearing them ,and reacting will help you reach a point where they will gradually dissapear ...It doesnt work straight away but it can be done ....Please read Dr Claire weekes books ,they will help you get a different perspective on anxiety /panic and will help with the acceptance I talk about ...Good luck Sue x