Week 5, Saturday day 34
I didn't make a post on Saturday, I had to get down to the Literary Festival in the morning and didn't get back home til the early evening and didn't bother then. I wandered down to the central library in town to watch the opening event for the Middlesbrough Lit Fest and spent most of my time talking to John Chadwick and his partner Kath, friends of mine from University. My friend Rob, who is also volunteering at the radio station with me, was off doing interviews at the Anime & Manga festival in the town hall. He's a big Manga fan and was in his element so I was happy to let him do that.
One of the live musicians sang a song that made me think about my life a bit, it was a song about putting up walls when we get hurt and how they can stop you from having some of the better experiences life has to offer. I know I'm guilty of that in many ways, my last big relationship with a woman was 10 years ago, one that went on for 3 years and has left me with a few scars. It was shortly after this relationship finally ending, probably a long time after it should have, that I went off to study for my degree in my early 30's. I fell into my work there, studying hard and although I was sociable during those 3 years I did tend to avoid getting to close to many people.
I've had confidence issues with women since and early age when I was the object of ridicule at school, this is something I've slowly worked on over the years but it's still there. I can talk to women, that's not a problem now but I find that last step, making it more personal, a bit of an issue. I like my own space and in some ways that makes me respect other people's space too, maybe a bit too much, I feel like I'm intruding on a woman's space if I take that extra step, imposing myself on them when they don't want that so I often have trouble 'making my move' as it were. It holds me back, even if I think a woman is interested I may second guess myself and think that I'm misreading the signals and withdraw, convincing myself that I'm imposing myself on her, that she's just being friendly and not wanting anything more. Maybe as I become more social again I'll start to work on this.
After we left the Lit Fest event, myself, John and a few others went over to a pub they visit and met some other people there. We sat and had a good chat about all sorts of things and I enjoyed meeting a few new people as well as getting to talk to John again.
Getting home I watched some TV to relax and turned off my laptop early to stop myself sitting on here all night. I'd been surrounded by people a lot of the day, and while it wasn't such a bad thing I just wanted a bit of space, plus sitting in the NMP chat room at night often makes my head spin when it's busy, the chat can go at quite a pace so I often don't bother. I was tempted to join in the Saturday night quiz on there but felt too tired when 9pm came around. There will always be next week.
Week 5, Sunday day 35
Woke up around 6, as normal then spent the next couple of hours dozing off for an hour at a time. Got up for the loo then crawled back into bed for more snoozage. I really felt like not getting up this morning, it wasn't the desperate anxiety this morning, more a mild malaise that made me look at getting out of bed as committing to something, accepting what the day would send while staying in my warm bed was like foregoing all that and being able to avoid that commitment.
I've spoken before how my anxiety seems to manifest around taking on responsibility and committing to things, like when I was getting panicky over the thought of job interviews and feelings of being under pressure when I said I'd be a certain place or do something at a certain time. This morning was part of this weeks blip and revolved around that whole thing, not wanting to get up and take on the day, just wanting it all to go away and leave me be so I didn't have to accept any responsibility or commit to any course of action. It wasn't strong enough to keep me in bed and it let me view the situation a little more objectively than I was able to a month or so ago when I was feeling desperate and anxious about things so much.
It probably stems from this week being so busy, going for the job interview, organising and doing things at the radio station, etc. This left me feeling like I didn't have much time for myself even though it was only a few hours a day. It's just been such a chore to get myself going in the mornings this past week, motivation to get going has been a bit low during this blip and there seems like so many things I have to do, but in some ways I need to get back into the rhythm of getting things done. Just wish it didn't seem quite so difficult this week. Once I get going it becomes easier, but looking at the things I feel need doing I just feel a tiny bit overwhelmed at times, like in the mornings when I get up.
I think part of it is that I got so lazy during winter, just sat on my behind not doing much apart from playing the online game I play and my concentration levels were so shot while I was going through my anxiety that I'm only just getting back into sitting down and being able to really get stuff done. I wonder if sitting in the NMP chat rooms all morning is something I should cut down on a bit, it does help me a bit having some people to chat to, but I know from prior experience that sometimes I can be a tad obsessive about things I get into, sometimes to the exclusion of other things that matter, like playing the online game over winter and doing very little else for several weeks and months.
I've still got a long way to go, this past week has shown me that, but this is just the end of week 5 on the Cit and I have a lot to deal with in my mixed up head, but hopefully I'm getting used to doing things more and dealing with the pressures I feel when I take on any kind of responsibility, now matter how small it is. We often blow things out of proportion, that's one thing I've learned during my anxiety and from NMP, so that's helped me realise that it's mostly the anticipation of things that make us feel anxious, once we're out and about, involved in whatever we're doing, it's not that big a deal in most cases.
Let's see what week 6 brings, I feel better than I did on Friday at least so hoping this weeks blip is running itself out and I'm starting to make progress again, I'll let you know
Better days people
Shaun