job hunt and interview anxiety
Over the last few years anxiety has started to get the better of me and it the worst of it always comes down to stress in a job or the stress of not having a job!
I am a people person on a social level but have never been good at communicating verbally on a professional or 'serious' level. I can pull off a good, structured presentation if needs be, but I really struggle in the context of meetings, interviews etc. I never want to speak up and can never come up with relevant questions, answers or comments. I tend to tune out and find it hard to concentrate on what is being said, probably because I am too busy worrying about not saying anything and looking like an idiot. I have always been this way. I also have a bit of social anxiety when it comes to things like making phonecalls, arranging meetings, builders coming to the house etc. I get myself into a state and avoid things where possible. I've always been very highly strung and unable to cope with stress.
Luckily I used to work in a field that didn't involve a lot of this and was in a professional position gaining a doctorate, but now I am out of work and I find job hunting triggers a huge anxiety response.
I absolutely hate job hunting and interviews and I think a lot of it is down to the fact that I am constantly being judged and rejected. Most days I can't even job hunt as I just burst into tears, then when I do applications I have no motivation and don't complete half of them because I think there is no point (or I'm scared that I will actually get an interview and have to sell myself!). In 7 months I have been offered 5 interviews but have pulled out of three of them because I haven't been able to face them.
This all started in 2009 when I started to burn out and became crippled with anxiety and depression and began to 'fail' on the job. On the back of this I stupidly took a job I didn't want involving a relocation just to escape and the anxiety involved lead to a breakdown (and a huge, embarrassing fail on the job) so I resigned, then I had 6 months unemployment which threw me off the rails again, then got offered a job (without application or interview) which cured me to a degree, but it involved a lot of social interaction which I found quite exhausting (and at one point I nearly got fired because I started to avoid the stuff I hated as I was too anxious), then I was made redundant and I've struggled ever since!
I just don't know what to do any more as on paper I look like quite a good candidate but all my life I have fought what I know lies beneith - the anxiety and depression and now I feel like I can't escape them. It is overtaking my life because I know now anytime I face a life change they automatically come along and ruin me. I hate being unemployed but at the same time I find it comfortable and I just want to stay hidden away forever avoiding the issue. I feel like I won't be able to cope with any job I get. HELP!
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