Originally Posted by
Rennie1989
Hiya all
It's been a month now since the heavy depressive symptoms hit, and a few months since the last 'happy' phase started dwindling. For two and a half weeks it was difficult to do anything, and despite that I carried on going to work. When I was asked to change roles (part of my contract) I asked to postpone it because of my depression. My manager sympathised with me (and her secretary) and referred me for assessment. I had a difficult appointment at occupational health but later today I shall be booking myself for counselling sessions that they have recommended.
I've tried to be more sociable, as was recommended, but every time I meet people (mostly family) I feel worse off afterwards, not got the foggiest why. It's almost as if I felt guilty that they had to be in my presence... maybe. I've even become more crafty, finding ideas of make my new home individual and more 'us'. Any sort of joy I get from these (the joy I so desperately need) is short lived and goes away.
What is getting to me more is the fleeting symptoms. One day, or a half of one day, I get these strong symptoms of fatigue, no motivation, seclusion and dark thoughts of being worthless, a waste and ending it all. The next day, or half, I feel like I can manage through the day and I can hold a normal conversation with my husband and colleagues. The slightest of disappointments can change my mood completely, on Wednesday hubby told me that I may not be able to see my mum and aunts on the following Saturday, for two days (even though hubby found a solution with in the hour) I had the strong symptoms again.
I even had an awful dream last night. I was taken to hospital for thoughts of taking my life where I was left to sit on my own in the corridor. I found a container of sutures and went to hack at my arm, but a nurse took the suture needle, leaving the forceps in my hand. It wasn't very sharp and I could only make superficial cuts. Despite objects that could cause harm were taken away from me I sat alone. I woke up this morning in a bit of a haze from it.
I feel like I am on a fragile line between mental stability and unstability. I fear one knock could tip me over, and I fear losing the things that mean the most to me (hubby, job, college, home) that, if I wasn't depressed, would be the things that would/should make me happy, because I love all four.
Aaaggghhh!!!!!!!! /rant