I decided to treat myself to lie-in this morning.
I used to have duvet days; too many!
Although I might have felt safe, they are not good for you mentally.
My therapist's words were that, 'if you want have a lie-in, go to bed early or have an afternoon snooze, that is ok and is on your terms, but if anxiety keeps in you bed for days on end, then it is not good for overcoming anxiety'.
So I only do this now when it is my choice and a treat.
Cold today, but it didn't stop from doing a bit of gardening. Yes, you heard right.
I was taking down a shrub that got smashed by a tree that had fallen in the last storm.
I always find it strange how I can be outside in 3c temperature, working hard, bending, tugging, lifting, sawing and feel absolutely fine, but I have trouble walking in to the kitchen and bathroom thinking I am going to collapse!
I'll tell you I was so bad only two months ago, I was sitting on the edge of the bath to brush my teeth, because I was frightened I was going to fall.
And grabbing hold of every worktop in the kitchen with my legs shaking.
Peeling potatoes was a nightmare and thought I may have to live on jacket potatoes for the rest of life!
I'm pleased to say that I have improved since then and I want to keep it that way.
Could it be that I am focussed and living in the present?
Yes, I do.
I think that is why the Mindfulness Course is helping.
I'm in the meditation stage now, which I already do, but this is a bit different.
It is all about grounding and keeping focussed.
Time passing also helps. A great healer and as time goes on, the incident that may have brought you in to this relapse, gets more distant as the days pass.
You do what you have to do to get through the day when like this and if it means sitting on the edge of the bath until you gain confidence and peeling your veggies in another room, prepping tomorrow's dinner while you feel more grounded, then that's what you have to do.
But....
You obviously don't want to be like this for the rest of your life, or even for long periods of time, so we look for cures, therapy, tips to help us.
Therapists are supportive, but they won't live with you in your home and only give you limited time on a weekly basis.
That's where this Forum come in to play.
We google to find help, stumble across NMP and there you find it. Others just like me!
Hooray, I am not going mad and all of this I am feeling IS Anxiety.
I have to admit that even with the knowledge I gathered, I found my self doubting what was wrong with me.
I took the bull by the horns and went to see a neurologist.
My dad had Parkinsons and I was sure I was going the same way.
My legs were heavy, shaky, and I seem to resemble my dad's stature in his walking.
So there I was being put through the mill with standing on one leg, walking with my eyes closed and even backwards, standing on a wobbly mat against a wall with my arms folded. What have I let myself in for. 45 minutes of this and then came the verdict.
Perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me, just confidence and that it was all Anxiety related. I highly recommend you do this if you are really struggling.
I almost skipped down the steps of the practice room.
Then what happens? I start thinking again. What if? And why do I not feel right?
No, that wasn't enough for me. 3 days after I am struggling again. Not so bad, but my brain keeps confusing me.
That's why I started the Mindfulness Course.
I have to admit also, that I need constant reassurance.
I was never like this years ago.
I suffered a mini stroke 13 years ago and just got on with my life.
I lost my baby 15 years ago and was in work the next day.
So, I am fathomed why I lack confidence now and feel the need to cocoon and protect myself from any danger now.
My life has certainly taking on a new direction and if I have to adapt to it, then that's what I will have to do.
Anxiety will NOT win!!!!
To be continued..........